Parents, now that your student is at college you probably think you are only incidental to their success. You provide the money, they do their thing. Wrong, you are crucial to their success, only your role has changed from teacher to mentor.
A recent study done by Laura Walker indicates your student is still transitioning to adulthood. They are trying their beliefs and independence based on the things you have taught them and the new ideas they are being exposed to at university or college.
Unconsciously, they still look to you for guidance and direction. You will find they request and value your input (but probably won’t tell you).
One big caution: do not force this communication. Allow your student to call you or email you to start the conversation. Do not comment on how many calls your student makes or how many emails they send. This will stop the communication.
Back to the study: “parents influence their child’s likelihood of involvement with drugs, alcohol and risky sexual activity even after their child leaves for college.” That same involvement you had in high school still is needed during college, just in a different form. In high school you determined the rules. Now you move over and let the student drive. Remember, tell your student “you are on your own but I am here if you need me.”
“Specifically, students who said their fathers were in the loop had a lower likelihood of doing drugs or engaging in risky sexual behaviors. When mothers were in the know, students were less likely to drink alcohol.” Mom and dad you both have a job, please follow through.
“The protective effect of mothers’ awareness was more pronounced when the students also felt close to their mom. Under those circumstances, the researchers found that students were less likely to be involved in any of the three risk behavior categories studied: drugs, alcohol and risky sexual activity.” But mom, don’t be overbearing and controlling. Let the child open up to you. And don’t condemn mistakes, just gently help them learn from their misadventures.
I have found the one of the most effective ways to foster this communication is to send a weekly email detailing what the family and friends have been up to. Your sister… Your brother… The kid at church… The local high school… what a great football game… Tell the student you love them and ask how their week was. Don’t do the twenty questions, Spanish Inquisition email. One open ended question works well.
It is amazing what the student will email back.
“The study’s findings show that the relationships between parents and children continue to be important during the transition to adulthood. The study involved 200 undergraduate students ages 18 to 25 from two mid-Atlantic colleges, a Midwestern university and a West Coast university.”
The title of the paper is “The Role of Perceived Parental Knowledge on Emerging Adults’ Risk Behaviors.” by Laura Walker and Larry Nelson. Another article “Looking on the Bright Side: The Role of Identity Status and Gender on
Positive Orientations during Emerging Adulthood.” supports this theory.
Article found at Joe Hadfield, YNews Vol. 33 No. 24
February 29, 2008
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